Here are five tried and tested ways to say no without actually saying no.
Let’s be honest… Sometimes we get so preoccupied with raising our children right, that we simply forget to treat our children right. Aren’t they people too? Children want our respect and understanding just as much as we do from our partners, bosses, and even friends and family.
Saying no all the time to our children gives them the impression that we don’t respect their desires. It can also cause the word “no” to lose its meaning. In fact, most parenting experts believe that saying “no” too much will actually produce resentment and make way for future rebellious traits.
Of course we can’t always say yes, but our children have ups and downs just like us. So as mindful parents, we must find ways to say “no” without actually saying “no.” This skill will help to alleviate the tension of any given situation. Here are five tried and tested ways to say “no” without actually saying no.
1. Find an Alternative
If your child is just dying to have that pack of skittles, or that big bowl of ice cream, find an alternative instead of saying “no”. This is the best way to come to a compromise without all the tension. For instance, if your toddler wants ice cream for breakfast (as some of us wish we could do!), simply reply, “Mhmmm ice cream sounds great, let’s have some yogurt instead.”
2. The Art of Distraction
As your child becomes older, this strategy will need to be altered to meet the needs of the situation. But learning the art of distraction will be an invaluable skill, especially to use with your defiant toddler. Toddlers, for instance, have a short attention span and are easily guided to a new activity.
If your child is older, or distractions no longer work, simply refer back to strategy number one and find an alternative. But this time, allow your child the independence to find the alternative themselves. This gives them the feeling as if they are still in control.
But keep in mind that the alternative may be one that also warrants a “no”. Sometimes you may have to apply strategy three.
3. Give Choices
Imagine… it’s the dead of winter and your 2 year old wants to wear her bright yellow sundress to school. Seems impossible to say “yes” right? This is a perfect example of a situation where most parents feel as if “no” is the only answer. But there is a way to say “no”, without actually saying no.
Give your child choices when it seems impossible to say yes. Again, we cannot forget most children’s and adolescent’s desires: independence and respect. They simply want to feel as if they have agency over their own lives. Giving your child a choice between two or more options allows them to feel as if the decision was ultimately theirs. Essentially, give your child freedom within limits.
4. I O U
Have you ever been forced to say “no” simply because of the time in which your child requested? Sometimes, the answer to a request would be a “yes” if it were in a different place, time, or scenario. For instance, maybe your child wants to play with one of her musical toys while guests are over. Or perhaps he would like to paint a picture just as you are setting up for dinner.
Instead of just saying “no”, give your child an ‘I owe you’. Explain to your child that the request can’t take place now, but you will make sure to give them an opportunity later. For added bonus, provide them with an alternative for the time being. Most importantly, just remember to stick with the ‘I owe you.’
5. Delay, Delay, Delay…
If all else fails, you should attempt to delay a request before saying “no”. This allows you to say “no” in the present time without actually saying no. Explain to your child that the request can’t happen right now, but maybe later. If you haven’t promised to give them an ‘I owe you’ as stated in strategy 4, chances are they may forget.
Final Thoughts
Parenting is hard. Especially when we really want to get it right. But as we consume ourselves with getting everything right, we forget that we have to treat our children right. We have to show them that we value their desires, we value their independence, and that we value their candid ability to ask for what they want. This is what makes us love them the most.
Show your children you love them with respect and understanding by saying “no” without actually saying no.
